A Connected Guilt
by Myaku1
Summary: Aya x Ken. A manipulative mind makes the two lovers reflect on bad memories...
1. Default Chapter

A Connected Guilt  
  
Author: Myaku  
  
Pairing: Aya x Ken  
  
Notes: A wrote this last year, it was actually a project I presented to my english class. I included a lot of psychology, (a) because I think it gives fanfiction a perfect three-dimensional look, and (b) because I didn't like the students I was with, and wanted them confused. Anyways, it worked. ^^; Of all the readers I've had, I think only three have got the two answers at the end correct. Enjoy, review please, and feel free to make a guess!  
  
For Kai. You'll always be my Omi-ttchi.  
  
  
  
//Do you remember your death?//  
  
"Yes.. I remember." Aya told the little voice as he walked around the darkened emptiness. Turning, turning, he looked for an answer to the voice, yet only saw repeated images of himself. Mirrors.  
  
//When did you die?//  
  
"I died... when he died.."  
  
//Who died.//  
  
"Ken." Images filled the mirrors, spinning around him. Amethyst eyes widened, shaking his head as he watched in agony, the gurney speeding down the hallway, the limp passenger lying on his deathbed in pain, surrounded by doctors and nurses, who in reality, didn't care at all if he lived or died.  
  
//This is reality.//  
  
"No.. it can't be.. It's.."  
  
//You. The real you.//  
  
"No.. I.."  
  
//Look what you've done now.//  
  
Flashbacks filled the mirrors, and Aya's eyes couldn't close as he watched the delicate hand cradled by the hospital bed fall to the side. "No!" he screamed, hysterics setting in. "NO!" He clutched his ears, falling to the emptiness as darkness swirled angrily around him. The images flooded the glass, showing the pain over and over, the deadpan beep on the heat monitor, the glass shattering scream and murky eyes sliding shut. Imaged collapsed over one another as saline trailed down his cheeks, and he watched as the nurses lifted the sheet to cover the already paling form.  
  
"No, please, I'm begging you, please stop.."  
  
//You let him go. You didn't try to save him.//  
  
"No! They tried to save him! We all tried to save him!" Tears flooded past ducts and swept down Aya's cheeks as he swayed back and forth, pushing away the agonizing truth to the voices that just wouldn't go away.  
  
//He loved you. And you threw it all away.//  
  
//You let him die.//  
  
"No.." the redhead sobbed, fist connecting with the ground as cheeks dampened, and the moisture splashed into nothingness. The mirrors turned black, and reflected, making Aya see himself in all of his agonizing glory. I didn't let him die, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my.."  
  
//You can't escape it.//  
  
//You'll suffer eternally.//  
  
//You let him go.//  
  
"No!" Aya cried, jolting out of his slumber. He looked around the room, and twisted under the sweat-drenched sheets. Was it real, was he alive, or was it all a dream? Breathing deeply, he turned and jumped to meet the cat-like gaze of the brunette.  
  
"Ran-koi?" Ken asked quietly, wrapping his arms around the redhead protectively. "Ran, calm down, it's okay, it was only a nightmare, only a nightmare, you'll be fine..."  
  
Aya breathed heavily against Ken, closing his eyes, as fresh tears stained his cheeks in horrible reality of the latest occurrences.  
  
//You'll never escape.//  
  
Aya screamed, covering his ears as the voices echoed through his head. This couldn't be real, couldn't be real.. Ken's frantic cries and soothing whimpers rose into the air as Aya's scream continued, drawing both of the others from their room, but the voices wouldn't leave his head. Conscience set in and the scream died, driving the redhead into a mental state of submission. As the voices disappeared, the redhead fell back into Ken's arms, lying passively, lavender eyes glazed over as he remained motionless in his arms. As Aya trembled, Ken ran his fingers over Aya's crimson locks, stroking and whispering sweet words of comfort as the redhead nodded back off to sleep.  
  
"It's not real.." he muttered. "None of it is real."  
  
---  
  
//Do you remember the day?//  
  
"Yes, I remember." Aya told the familiar voice, as he walked across the spiraling floor. Turning, turning, he looked for an answer, an answer to the voice, yet only saw the lights, spinning. Vivid colors spinning uncontrollably, threatening to confuse and cause anger.  
  
//How did he get hurt?//  
  
"He tripped and nearly fell.. he missed the target.."  
  
//How.//  
  
"Someone fired a gun.. and Yohji shouted.. he turned to see if any of us got hit and ... he.. he..." Images filled the mirrors, spinning around him. Lavender eyes denied the truth as the images portrayed, and Ken stumbled, falling forwards. Knees gone weak, Aya slipped to the floor and covered his ear as he heard the loud scream and could feel the cold metal rip through his skin, and Ken fell to his knees, scarlet spilling from dark clothes.  
  
//You caused it.//  
  
"No.. I didn't cause it! I wasn't there, I was in other..."  
  
//You killed the one you cared about.//  
  
"No.. I.."  
  
//Murderer.//  
  
Flashbacks filled the mirrors and Aya's eyes couldn't close as he watched Ken's hand clutch the wound, crying for Aya's help, anyone's help. Watching the brunette as he fell, landing hard onto his chest and released the agonizing scream of pain as the wound pressed against the cement. "No!" he cried. "Ken, NO!" He clutched his ears, falling to the emptiness as darkness swirled angrily around him. The images flooded the glass, showing the slow ride to the hospital and Ken's laboured cries as he was injected with needle upon needles of medicine. The lights spun, changing images, and Aya saw that tanned hand fall again.  
  
"No, please, I'm begging you, not again, please stop.."  
  
//He cared about you until the end. And you didn't try to save him.//  
  
"I couldn't! I wanted to, but I couldn't, I swear.." Legs curled neatly against his chest as he laid onto the coldness, tears swimming past his eyes and he tried to hide, disappear from the voice and the awful images that made his stomach turn with recollection.  
  
//You let him go.//  
  
//You don't care.//  
  
"No!" Aya choked, covering his mouth with his palm as he tried to keep from gagging. The lights reflected and the room turned dark, images of himself in all of his humiliating glory pushed into his face. "I do care! I'll always care! It wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my.."  
  
//It's your fault. //  
  
//It's ALL your fault.//  
  
//You let him go.//  
  
"No!" Aya screamed, jolting out of his slumber. He looked around the room, and twisted out from under his sheets, cool air blasting against his forehead, the small bit of reality that made everything just a little better. Breathing deeply, he turned and stared over at his small arrangement of gentian violets, which had slowly begun to wilt. "Kenken, come here, no, Ken you can't leave me.." he whispered, covering his ears, trickling of pain dripping over full cheeks, reddened skin abused by the fierceness of the flow.  
  
"Aya!" the voices shouted, tiny footsteps running down the long stretch of hallway, socked feet skidding on the hardwood floor as figures desperately tried to reach the redhead in despair.  
  
Ken stood at the foot of the bed, holding his hand out to the crying redhead. "Ran? Ran, I'm right here, oh, Ran don't cry!" Aya whimpered, reaching his hand out to grasp the other's shoulder. He gasped as fingertips slid through the paled arm, and the redhead continued to sob, unaffected and unaware of the other's presence. Fresh pain pushed past those ducts, so much emotion placed into the tiny tears as Ken took a step back, staring at Aya. "Ran?" he choked. "Ran, answer me.." Rubbing his chest softly, he winced slightly at the feel of warmth resting against his skin. Pulling his hand away, he brought it up closer to his face, shock, than fear setting in as the drops of crimson began painting his fingers. "No.. NO!"  
  
//This is you. This is the REAL you.//  
  
"No, it's not me! It's not me!" Ken screamed, covering his ears as the voices echoed through his head. This couldn't be real, it couldn't be real... Omi's frantic cries and soothing whimpers rose into the air as Aya's screams continued, much to the pain of others who tried to soothe, but the voices wouldn't leave his head. Conscience set in and the scream died, driving the redhead into a mental state of submission. As the voices disappeared, the redhead fell into Yohji's, laying passively, lavender eyes glazed over as he shook violently in his arms. Yohji stroked Aya's soft hair, whispering sweet words of comfort as the redhead was lulled off, breathing hitched, and slowly becoming motionless.  
  
"Aya-kun, it's going to be okay, no more worries.. it's not real.. it's just a nightmare..."  
  
Ken stared in disbelief, tears staining his cheeks as he watched the two cradle the redhead, who's screams died off and eyes stared off into oblivion. As Ken glanced once more at the empty side of the double bed, but he lowered his head, dropping the bloodied hand back to his side, to gaze once more at the one lying still.  
  
But the silence was quickly broken by the high pitched shriek of Omi. "Yohji, Aya's not breathing... Aya-kun? Aya-kun, answer me!!!" The little blonde cried, arms reaching out to shake the redhead who merely slumped from Yohji's embrace into his waiting arms.  
  
"AYA!!!"  
  
//Face your reality.//  
  
And just as quickly as it had begun, he woke with a start in the moist sheets. Sitting up, Ken looked around the room blindly. Gazing beside him, he sighed deeply at the sight of the empty bed. Sliding long legs over the edge, he scooted off the bed into waiting slippers below, and padded out of the room and down the hall. Pausing at one of the doors, he pushed it open and stared longingly at the empty bed that hadn't been used in so long. Pushing his hand through sweat drenched locks, he lowered his eyes, and shuffled back toward his room.  
  
//Do you remember your death?//  
  
Walking back into the bedroom, he paused at the foot, and stared at the bed. The covers had been pulled up neatly, sheets matching pillows, all folded orderly, waiting for the occupant which seemed would never come. The flower arrangement that Aya had personally prepared the day of the mission sat on the nightstand, wilted and dead. Petals cascaded over the dark chestnut wood, red and violet entertwined in a bouquet that was once considered happiness. Rubbing his chest he pulled the small hand away, making a fist as the scarlet warmth stained his fingers and rolled over his hand.  
  
//"I died.. when he died..."//  
  
A single tear rolled down his cheek. "It's real." he muttered. "It's all real."  
  
  
  
~Owari~  
  
  
  
Author's Note:  
  
Okay: Here are the questions.  
  
1: Which one died first?  
  
2. Who was that mysterious, manipulative voice?  
  
*grin* Gambatte ne! When you are finished guessing, click into part two, and read the answers. I also gave the psychology explanation behind the story. *grin* It's definitely a mouthful.  
  
-- Kana 


	2. A Connected Guilt-- Answers and the Psyc...

The Answers.  
  
Oh come on, you knew I had to put them. I explained the psychology behind it as well, due to a few complainers. ¬.¬ *grin* It's not short, but if you enjoyed the fic, you may as well read. It will probably clear up any questions you have, and might intrigue you to write your own psychological fic. See, look. I'm starting a trend. XD  
  
  
  
Question 1: Which of the boys died first?  
  
Answer: It was Aya.  
  
How can you tell:  
  
When Ken is shot on the mission, once again, the story never clearly states that Aya was also attending that mission, which hints towards the fact that perhaps Aya was already dead and had died the night before, or possibly a few days. It also hints Ken chose to die during a mission instead of committing suicide to save himself from his loss. Now, Ken being hit could have been a mistake and Aya could have attended the mission and rushed to help Ken to the hospital. The idea of it being a mistake doesn't seem completely plausible though-- The idea of an assassin tripping and nearly falling on his face doesn't seem proper. Assassins are usually graceful and can get the job done quickly and accurately unless they aren't well trained. In Ken's case, with almost four years of being an assassin behind him, tripping would be something he would only be able to do purposely. When Aya wakes up from his 'dream', Ken is already awake and watching him, which hints that Ken is already dead. When he cradles Aya, it is believed that from his condition, Aya is dying. It's quite possible, by this, that the mission took place a few days after Aya woke up and was afraid, and Aya did die that night with Ken watching. If you notice, the scene is the exact same as when Yohji and Omi cradled him, which hinted that 1) Ken held Aya and watched him die in his arms or 2) It was actually Yohji and Omi who cradled Aya all along until his death, and Ken was never there, and had to watch the ordeal in his dream. Perhaps this is why he let himself be shot-- He felt guilty. Later when Ken saw Aya die and his fingers slid through his shoulder, this emphasizes that they were BOTH dead already, which makes the idea of Aya dying first and then Ken following completely conceivable. Because many know—there is no greater loss than the loss of a lover.  
  
Here is where it all comes together though:  
  
The flowers on the dresser. Aya made then during the week that the mission was to occur on, and during the time Aya was having his dreams, the flowers were wilting, as implied. When Ken wakes up, the flowers are dead, which cancels out any ideas of Aya dying more than a day or two before-- for those who know a little about flowers, the life span of a gentian violet is usually five days without proper care.  
  
Finally, How did he die?  
  
His death was induced by a seizure. It was possible that if he truly had a nightmare that he could have scared himself so badly that his central nervous system was altered, triggering the seizure. The story stated that while he laid sullenly, he began to tremble violently. It also states he suddenly stopped moving, only seconds before Omi realized he wasn't breathing. Here it doesn't matter if it was Ken who held him and he died or if it was Yohji and Omi-- But it seems it was probably Omi and Yohji. The flowers is what everything is truly based around-- If Aya had made the flower arrangement about five days before the mission, by the morning of the mission, the flowers would have been nearly dead. It would have been around day three that Aya had passed away-- because the flowers had just begun to wilt.  
  
Question 2: Who was that mysterious voice?  
  
Answer:  
  
Now, this can be two things, it's mainly a reader to decide. But how I had it designed--- the voice was Schuldich. The wonderful little sinner who was in everyone's head through the story. I felt it would be an interesting twist. But it also can be Ken/Aya's conscience…. But I decided against a conscience, because if you noticed? The voice plagues both of them.  
  
  
  
Thanks for reading!  
  
-- Kana -- 


End file.
